Thursday, July 24, 2014

I used to work at Borders...

Part 6 - Crazy Coworkers

Don't think for one minute that retail insanity is limited to patrons or CEOs alone. Even the common peon floor staffers can be the biggest, most soulless mutherfucking, opportunistic asshole overlords in backstabbing hell for no reason other than that they can be, they're good at it and they enjoy it. The world is a sick place.

The ManPig
Meet Jay, our onetime supervisor.

Jay was a bulldozer carved out of ham. He never went anywhere without a sweat mustache stippled on his meaty upper lip and - much like Randy in A Christmas Story - was unable to ever put his arms down. In he'd waddle, chuffing and blowing, snorting back generous honks of snot every few minutes. His stubby fingers would transform into meaty little cloven hooves whenever free food was present, digging in like greedy steam shovels, plowing through the topsoil of many a birthday cake and delivering the goods to his gaping face hole. For bonus points, he would chew with his mouth open, loudly and enthusiastically, talking all the while. Watching him eat was akin to watching an industrial sized washing machine toss around 60 pounds of uncooked meatloaf while a very annoyed hippo with a sore ass and its foot stuck in the mud grunted and bayed in a nearby corner.

Jay was delusional and paranoid. He also knew how to kiss ass and eventually ended up getting promoted to a supervisory position, which made him my boss. The day he was appointed, he gathered his team around him and made the announcement. It was 7am on a Monday morning and his coronation speech was not met with the proper amount of enthusiasm. Shortly after the ceremony had ended, he pulled me aside and demanded to know why no one seemed happy about his amazing news.

"Because it's seven o'clock in the fucking morning and we're tired." I said. "Not everything is about you."

Thus commenced a very long year.

Allow me to hit some of the psychotic highlights that occurred during that excruciating 12 month time span.

  • Jay liked to pull his team aside and tell us that he knew we were all talking about him behind his back and that he resented it, and would not put up with it anymore, despite the fact that he had no proof of any such thing. 
  • He also liked to pull people into the back office and reprimand them for hurting his feelings.
  • One day, he excitedly announced to me that he possessed the power to send people home if they behaved inappropriately. Not five minutes later he deliberately picked a fight with a female employee whom he disliked and when she defended herself, he screamed at her to go home. She laughed in his face and he went ballistic, ordering her to leave the store AT ONCE. At that point I yelled at both of them to shut the fuck up because I was sick of their shit. I then went outside to smoke a cigarette.
  • One night, Jay locked himself and another employee in the foyer and forced the employee to listen to his rants about how the employee should improve his life. The employee repeatedly demanded that he unlock the door and allow him to leave. After 15 minutes or so, Jay finally shut up and did so. 
  • Jay frequently wrote out strange philosophical quotes, signed them and hung them up over his desk in the stock room for inspiration. None of them made any sense. 
  • Jay was obsessed with the movie 300. OBSESSED. No, really - he was convinced that it was
    his story, about his whole life and explained his soul and his reason for being and everything. He got a 300 tattoo. He would not shut up about it. I have never watched that movie and I never will, because it makes me think of fucking crazy Jay.

  • Jay alternately professed to be a devout born again Christian and a future director of hardcore porno films.
  • One day, myself and two other guys went to clear out a closed out Borders store in another city. We rented a U-Haul, backed it up and proceeded to help ourselves to shelves, tables, stepstools, etc, then drove back to our store to unload. Jay was there to meet us and help with the unloading. It was a small truck and quarters were tight so there was a lot of excuse-me's and oops-sorries as we back-and-forthed it for the rest of the afternoon. At the end of the day, I was pulled aside by the manager who told me that Jay had filed a complaint against me, claiming I had willfully and purposefully attacked and assaulted him by deliberately slamming into him as I walked past him on the truck. I'm 5 foot 4 and in no way athletic or strong. Jay was basically a walking side of beef. I rolled my eyes and told my boss that this had better be the last time I was called into the office on such a bullshit charge. It was.
  • The Final Straw for Me - Jay came in one morning and eagerly started telling everyone in the store that he'd spent the previous night fucking one of the girls who worked in the cafe, and that we were all to be his cover story if his girlfriend called and asked where he'd been. I slipped a note into the HR managers box detailing what I'd heard. Jay was pulled into the office later that day and reamed out.
  • Mistakenly believing that one of his cafe cunts coworkers had squealed on him, Jay was caught on camera screaming obscenities at the hapless girl, flexing his porky muscles and gesturing/advancing upon her in a very threatening manner. He was fired the next day. And there was much rejoicing.

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